Well Color Me Red and Call Me a Tomato

This is a quick "embarrassed" version of my usual avatar.

Why?

I had a moment of random mortification this morning.

While surfing a message board, I saw a post which struck me.  "Wow," I thought, "that was a really nice turn of phrase.  Who wrote that?"  I look over to the name...

I wrote it.

Yeah.

Somehow it feels okay if I look back at a story I worked hard on and think, "I'm pretty proud of what I did there.  I think it all came together in the end."  But if I look at something I don't remember writing and think, "That's really good" then I feel like an egotistical jerk for some reason.

I don't know if that's just me over-reacting, but I do know I hope no one walks by my desk until my cheek color turns back to normal.

Even More Random Advice

I saw something yesterday that led me to contemplate these words of wisdom:

Men with comb-overs should be extra careful on extra windy days.

Random Advice

Here's something I thought would be self-evident but apparently isn't.

When you're on a crowded silent bus and decide to make a phone call, I wouldn't advise using "BOO!" as your greeting of choice.

Just FYI.

I Don't Think that Means What You Think It Means

Just a quick observation:

While driving home last night, I noticed the advertising on the old pickup truck in front of me.  Created by aligning reflective stickers usually reserved for mailbox posts, it was obviously for a business that delivered firewood.  It was their slogan, however, that drew my eye:

Go Green.  Use Wood for "Heat"

I don't know what I loved more: the complete misunderstanding of what "going green" means, or the hilariously unnecessary quotes around "Heat."

Either way, I do know I laughed like an idiot for a good 30 seconds.

A Moment of Surreality

Do you see this pic?

This is what I imagine I look like during life's "huh" moments.

You know, those moments when everything pauses and you step outside yourself, take an objective look at what's happening, and go, "Dude, that is really weird."

I had one of those moments recently.  It happened during a conversation initiated by a complete stranger.  I had already had a weird day, but this particular interaction was the icing on the cake.  Halfway through our chat, this thought goes through my head:

"Huh.  I'm standing here getting lectured on my business sense by a six-foot-six burly, stubbly middle-aged man wearing a long curly wig, 6-inch spike heels, a gothic lolita tutu, and fishnets.  I can honestly say I didn't expect that when I woke up this morning."

Now if the tutu had been classic lolita, that would have been another story.

Drawing and graphic are (c)2012 A. M. Perkins.  All rights reserved.

Ninjas! In a Movie Theater!



 IGN.com reported that a movie theater in London has hired Ninjas to stop people talking and texting in movies.

Seriously.

Dressed in all black and hiding in the shadows, these Movie Ninjas strike down offenders with a quick flick of a katana.

Or perhaps just a stern talking-to.

Either way, this is quite possibly the coolest thing I've ever heard.

"Yeah, dude, I can talk.  I'm at the movies right now, but it's kinda lame--"

SHURIKEN!

Drawing and graphic are (c)2012 A. M. Perkins.  All rights reserved.

Life's Little Absurdities

Photo is (c)2012 A. M. Perkins.  All rights reserved.

Just a random picture of something random...posted randomly.

At the office where I work, I am in charge of ordering supplies.  When a recent order came in, one large box contained only a single roll of bubble wrap...

...protected by bubble wrap.

While the environmentalist in me freaked out, the irony lover in me thought it was hilarious.

Please Touch that Dial

I am the death of TV shows.

If I regularly watch a show, it will be canceled.

It's not a question of if, but when.

It could be a show about cops who moonlight as naval lawyers who like to go dancing with the stars on the Jersey shore after proving they've got talent, and it would still get the axe the instant I start watching.

Is it because my taste in entertainment is 180 degrees off of what everyone else seems to like?  Or perhaps I have a bizarre X-Men-like ability to affect TV ratings with the power of my eyes?  For some reason I'm guessing the former, but I still wonder what my mutant name might be ("Cancellation Chick"?  "Neilsonetta"?  "Something a lot Cooler than the Lame Things I'm Coming Up with Right Now"?).

I may have stumbled upon an unexpected source of income, however - if you have a TV show on the air, and you want to pay me not to watch your show, it would probably be in your best interests.

If you decide to just take your chances, be warned:  I have my Remote Control of Doom...and I'm not afraid to use it.

Drawing and graphic are (c)2012 A. M. Perkins.  All rights reserved.  X-Men is owned by Marvel (marvel.com)

Adventures in Pedestrian-ing

I have to walk 6 blocks to reach the evening bus from work.  Pretty boring, right?  If only. 

Keep in mind, I'm an unbelievably law-abiding pedestrian.  Seeing a jaywalker get struck by a car, fly through the air, land on his head, and die will do that to you.  I also am a very defensive walker.  I watch for the drivers running red lights, the drivers texting, the drivers texting will petting their chihuahua and turning (it happened).

Even so, I can't completely avoid the crazies.  One of my favorites:  I'm crossing a five-lane road when I see a Mustang roaring up in the left turn lane - the left turn lane that will have her barreling into the lane I'm currently crossing.  I look at the driver, but she's too busy looking at an oncoming bus and guessing whether or not she can beat it without getting broadsided.

This is the point where I run for it.  As an additional "attention-getter," I frantically wave my hands in the air as I go - motion is pretty visible, right?

As my heel hits the sidewalk, I hear screeching tires behind me.  This woman, who was in such an insane rush 2 seconds ago, has found me so offensive she takes the time to stop, roll down her window, and scream:

"DON'T YOU F---ING WAVE AT ME!!!"

Who knows what she would have done if my blood had messed up her paint job.

Drawing and picture are (c)2012 A. M. Perkins.  All rights reserved.

The Anti-Mob Mentality

Why does the "mob mentality" only kick in when it's something bad?  If you drop to the ground from a heart attack, the more people there are around you the less likely it is you'll be helped.  Conversely, if there's a large crowd of people, the more likely it is a bad situation will get worse.

Maybe there should be posi-mobs walking around. They could yell things like "Tell someone you love them!" or "Take a minute to appreciate nature!"

 They could be just as loud and obnoxious as the mobs that develop for negative ideas - they'd just be using peer pressure for happier reasons.

The Nature of Spoilers

It seems most people fall into one of two camps:  the spoiler addict or the spoiler phobic.  Well, actually, there's also the "I couldn't care less either way" camp, the "I only care about certain movies" camp, etc., but I'm trying to keep it simple.

For the addict, the hunt for the next info nugget is one of life's great joys.  For the phobic, any scrap of info, no matter how small, sends them into paroxysms of agony.  "You spoiled that Johnny Depp's socks will be black in this movie instead of brown - YOU FIEND!!!"

There should be a shelf life for spoilers - for example, I don't think you can get mad about someone ruining the end of The Wizard of Oz (SPOILERS - It was all a dream!).  Others take a little too much joy in spoiling things the instant they come out.  "That was almost as awesome as when you found out that the detective was the killer. ...What, you haven't seen it yet?  Dude, the midnight showing ended 15 minutes ago."

Two of my friends encountered an even worse type - the simultaneous spoiler.  While watching The Avengers (in its second week out, mind you), a guy sitting behind them insisted on yelling out key lines and actions right before they happened.

Example (SPOILERS, obviously): When Capt. America is giving out orders to the team at the end, he turns to Hulk.  "And Hulk?" Cap says.  "SMASH!" yells the idiot behind them.  "Smash!" Cap repeats.  Idiot laughs.  "That was awesome!"

That's the kind of thing that makes me wish theaters had ejector seats.

Drawing and picture are (c) 2012 A. M. Perkins.  All rights reserved.

I Shall Prove the Moon Is Round!

I need to get paid to study something obvious. 


I mean, so obvious even a naked mole rat would be like, "Oh, yeah, I saw that coming from a mile away."


I read these studies where they discover amazing things - for example, I read a study on the feelings of prisoners kept at the Supermax prison.  In case you haven't heard of it, it's reserved for the worst of the worst, and the living conditions are less than ideal.


The prisoners they studied lived in cells where both the walls and furnishings are made of concrete, and they stayed there, alone, 23 hours a day.  Their one hour of recreation was in a gymnasium with windows pointing up - they never see earth or trees again.


The study's findings?  Prisoners kept in those conditions tend to be more depressed than prisoners in kinder conditions.


Wow.  And they got paid to find that out.


I seriously need a gig like that.


Drawing/Picture is (c) 2012 A.M.Perkins.  All rights reserved.

If She's Not a Cougar...

My very elderly (in her 90's) grandmother hasn't had her full mental faculties for some time.  While, unfortunately, this has allowed her more negative personality traits to break loose and run wild (rampaging racism, anyone?), it does provide some amusing anecdotes when another facet comes to the fore:

Her willingness to hit on any man, any time.

Last week my aunt - let's call her Alice - went to visit Grandma with some married friends in tow. The husband is in his early sixties.  Grandma knows they're

 married, but immediately starts patting his arm and openly flirting with him.

After a bit, she turns to the wife and say, "Don't worry.  I don't want to steal him from you.  I just want to use him for a while."

Alice says to the husband, "I believe that's what you call a cougar."

The husband's reply:  "At that age, I believe that's called a sabertooth."

Drawing is (c) 2012 A. M. Perkins. All rights reserved.

Comic Book Coolness Quotient Quiz



You know who's even lamer?
Batman's wannabe cousin, Bat-man.
Yes, those are upside down bats on his head.
Yes, I'm in a really cheesy mood today.

 When I asked my friends (in the middle of an unrelated conversation for no apparent reason - it's what I do) if Batman or Superman was cooler, the response was unanimous: Batman, of course.

I must say, I have to agree with them.

Why do I always find Batman cooler than Superman? Is it his style, his dark mysterious nature… his car? I always look at Batman as the cool one and Superman as the slightly irritating Boy Scout, but maybe that's just being unfair.

If I look at their qualities on paper and compare them as if they were real people, it looks totally different. Hmmm, who would I like to be friends with? The brooding vigilante who spends his nights beating people up and can never seem to communicate his true feelings to others due to his childhood trauma? Or the mild-mannered and far more socially capable young man from the happy loving family? Seems like a pretty easy choice.

Then again, Supes does have that self-righteous streak in him that can get really annoying – and Bats does have a softer side deep down, or else he wouldn't ever let anyone partner up with him, much less a kid – plus, he still has that car. That's really sad, though, if I can let a fancy piece of metal influence my judgment of the worth of a person…

Ehh, who am I trying to kid? Batman's cooler.

Batman and Superman are (c) DC Comics.

My parody scribble is (c) 2012 A. M. Perkins

It's Inappropriate for the Chronologically-Challenged

I once recommended a movie to someone who then asked me if it was appropriate for children. I tried to explain that, while it didn't have graphic sex, violence, or language, it still wasn't child-friendly due to its thematic content. What annoyed me was when I realized every word or phrase I could use to describe that type of material made it sound like a very different kind of "not for children" movie.

Adult? Check.

Mature? Double-check.

For Adults Only? Check, check, check.

What I find even more interesting is that, while the connotation of the word "Mature" in cinema is gratuitous graphic sex, "Mature" in video games often connotes gratuitous graphic violence. I'm not really sure how that happened, since, personally, the people I think of as being truly mature don't generally buy that kind of entertainment.

And I still need a way to describe that movie.

Graphic is (c) 2012 A. M. Perkins.  All rights reserved.

Your Vapidity Aggrieves My Erudite Sensibilities

I like learning new vocabulary words. Always have, always will. I acquired a new one the other day: "Brobdingnagian[1]." I heard it on a cartoon, of all places, and had to look it up.

I like the precision of a wide vocabulary, of finding the word that is the best fit for the abstract ideas rolling around your head.

Problems arise, however, when people don't understand the words I'm using. Almost defeats the purpose of trying to be a better communicator, you know?

The funny part?  When I use an unknown word or refer to an unusual concept…and the person I'm talking to nods and goes along with it even though it's obvious they haven't a clue what I'm talking about.

Why not just ask? From my perspective, there really is no shame at all in being ignorant of something. Every single solitary person in the world is ignorant of tons of things – facts they've never been exposed to or things they knew once upon a time that have been forgotten through disuse.

Refusal to correct ignorance when given the opportunity, however, is my definition of stupid. Simply saying, "I'm sorry, that's new to me. What does it mean?" shows a willingness to learn that I respect. Pretending to know something you don't so you won't have to admit that you, like everyone else in the world, doesn't know everything? …stupid.

It's the intellectucal equivalent of tripping awkwardly in a public place - if you laugh at yourself and say, "Whoa, should've watched where I was going," then no one cares.  If you try to pretend like nothing happened and that you're still the coolest thing on two legs, everyone else laughs.

For my part, immature as it sounds, I usually only have one reaction to the bewildered nodding of the willfully ignorant.

I try to stump them again.

Picture is (c) 2012 A. M. Perkins. All rights reserved.

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[1] "Brobdingnagian," for those who, like me, were unaware of this word, means of enormous size; tremendously huge. It comes from Jonathan Swift's Gulliver's Travels, named for the country Gulliver visits where everyone is a giant compared to him. This country is the antithesis of Lilliput, from which we derive, of course, the much more common "Lilliputian."

Think First or Ask Stupid Questions Later

Everyone knows that sometimes people don't really think before they speak. I could be mean and say I'm beginning to suspect that they'd still say the same thing no matter how much thinking they did beforehand, but for now I'm still optimistic enough to give them the benefit of the doubt and say they're just not taking the vital moment to pause and think.

Case in Point: My grandfather on my dad's side was a twin. When sharing this family fact with someone, my dad says, "My father had a twin sister."

The person's response: "Oh, were they identical?"

Insert pause while my father decides on the type of response this question warrants, from snide to straight-faced, and settles on slightly yet sweetly sarcastic, softened with a smile.

"Well, I can think of a couple of differences."

Picture is (c)2012 A. M. Perkins.